An Analysis of the Mushroom Kingdom through Mario Kart: Despots, Princesses, and Blue Shells

So, I’ve been playing a lot of Mario Kart for the Wii lately. Now, I know this game’s been around for months, and pretty much everyone with a website and an eye for videogames has talked about it, but hey, it’s my turn. Besides, reviewing this game is only something I’m doing out of necessity. The real purpose of this rant is to use that review as a springboard to talk about the Mario universe in general, because I’ve discovered something here that I think makes the games a bit more interesting. So hey, let’s get to it!

From a control standpoint, it’s a very, VERY good thing that the game allows you to use Gamecube controllers like in Smash Brothers Brawl, because the wheel is nigh-useless for multiplayer. In single player, and in online play where you’re the only racer using your console, the wheel works fine, and is actually kind of fun. Same with two player. But in three or four player races, where the split screen gets smaller to accommodate everyone, the wheel seems to get a lot more sensitive, and it becomes impossible not to drive into walls or off cliffs. But, like most Wii games, there’s lots of ways you can control the game, and most of them work just fine, so this isn’t really worth harping on.

One thing that lots of reviewers have commented on is the difficulty of the AI. Some of this is quite valid, but some of it is, from my experience playing the game recently, exaggerated. Now, before I say anything, it’s true. The AI controlled drivers are a bunch of assholes. They’re aggressive and uncannily accurate with their green shells and banana peels, and that’s on the easier difficulties. On the harder difficulties, they’re like level 9 characters in Smash Brothers, only there’s eleven of them, and they’re driving cars. They have super human reflexes and they go out of their way to screw over the human player even when it’s not in their best interest. In that vein, I’m tempted to compare them to the Borg from Star Trek, but I feel that falls flat. The Borg, from what I recall, have a certain sophistication that these machines lack. A more accurate comparison would be that the human racer is Carrie, and every race is prom night. They build you up, make you think you’re going to get first place right up until you’re a second away from the finish line, then BOOM! On comes the onslaught of shells, pow-blocks, and pig’s blood.






Only you don’t get psychic powers with which to get your revenge. You just get impotent cursing.

The bit of the reviews bashing the AI that I find exaggerated, however, is that the AI is also favored by the item roulette. Many of the people complaining about this game found that, while computer players consistently got the best items when near last place (bullet bills, lightning, etc.), the human player consistently gets terrible ones (mushrooms, that friggin thunder cloud, Bloopers that have no effect on the AI at all). Now maybe these are exaggerations, or maybe I got a later version where they fixed this (I did get it several months after everyone else, after all), but I haven’t had that problem. There hasn’t been a single time I can think of where I’ve been in last place and haven’t gotten a Bullet Bill, and I’ve seen that Carrie scenario described above done to a computer player in first place about as often as it’s happened to me; thus allowing me to pass him and get first place myself. Yes, there is an element of luck, but the game itself doesn’t seem stacked against me, and that makes it a lot more bearable.

Besides, all told, the AI being mean isn’t a huge detriment. Yes, it makes the one player 150cc and Mirror Mode courses an exercise in frustration, but as any true red blooded Mario kart player will tell you, the Multiplayer mode is where it’s at. And unlocking the courses in multiplayer isn’t hard at all. You just have to place. Now granted, getting first in grand prix mode, and getting star rankings, will unlock new characters and cars. However, since Wario and his bike from the Warioware series were both available from the beginning, I couldn’t possibly give less of a crap about this. Quite frankly, unlocking minor characters from the Mario universe is the equivalent of getting a toy from a box of crappy cereal. It’s bright and colorful, but ultimately kind of lame and not worth what you had to do to yourself to get it. In fact, there are some characters I have managed to unlock over the course of the game that I wish I hadn’t, because now I have to listen to their voices whenever I race them.

For example:

So anyway, that’s the review portion of this blog entry. For those of you that just clicked here to see what I think of Mario kart Wii, here’s my opinion summed up: Multiplayer’s fun as hell, the wheel is useful in single player mode but otherwise overrated, single player mode is an exercise in frustration on the higher difficulties, but ultimately unnecessary to concern yourself with unless you just HAVE to have Dry Bowser, or Baby Luigi, or Toadette, or any of the other lame extraneous Mario characters that I haven’t unlocked yet.

Now that that’s out of the way, here’s what I’ve come to realize about the Mario universe thanks to Mario Kart. The Moonview Highway course is what started this train of thought for me.

Sorry, that’s the best picture I could find. For those unfamiliar with the course, it’s basically a huge sprawling city with cars, giant bombs on wheels, and huge pictures of Princess Peach everywhere. Given the presence of those pictures, I can only assume that Moonview Highway takes the racers through downtown Mushroom Kingdom. We never see this in the games, and it has made me realize something: the cartoony and barren landscapes we see in other Mario games (specifically the platformers and RPGs) are not all there is to the Mushroom Kingdom. It’s actually a thriving metropolis. And that means Peach isn’t just a traditional Saturday morning cartoon princess that rules all the cute little mushroom headed people in their villages. She is actually the leader of a country with a clear, well developed infrastructure.

And, looking at the events of the games with this new knowledge in mind, she’s kind of a vicious one.

When Mario’s travels take him to new locales, like those countries in Super Mario Brothers 3, or Isle Delfino, or even, God forbid, the far reaches of space, Peach is using him to scout territories. Yes, Mario’s saving these places from Bowser, or his kids, or Smithy, or the Purple People Eater, or whatever villain’s menacing him that week, but Peach is using this to her advantage to get the Mushroom Kingdom new territory.

“Oh dear, Bowser’s attacked you. That’s a shame. He does that, you know, he’s such a meanie. But Mario just saved your country! Isn’t that great? But I should warn you, Mario’s quite a busy plumber. If Bowser comes back, there’s no guarantee Mario will too. If only you were part of the Mushroom Kingdom, then I could use my power to… oh, you wish for us to annex you? Are you sure? I mean, you’ll become second-class citizens to my little mushroom people, and I’ll get all your money, but I’m okay with it if you are? Really? Splendid!”

Think I’m wrong? Well, here’s some proof: pretty much every locale Mario has visited, from Dinosaur Land and Sarasaland to Luigi’s Mansion and Isle Delfino, has been a course in Mario Kart, or Mario Golf, or any other of the Mario sports games that have come about over the years. Do you really think the people and things that live here would go to the trouble of setting this up if the Mushroom Kingdom didn’t own their asses? And as a specific example, let’s look at the ever-annoying Princess Daisy. She’s allegedly the ruler of Sarasaland, but ever since Mario saved it, all she does is hang out with Peach and dig through Luigi’s trash looking for things to build a shrine with. Clearly, she’s been outsourced. Whether or not this is a good thing is a separate discussion that I’m not geeky enough to get into.

In short, Peach has, over the course of the games, become a blonde, pink, passive-aggressive Napoleon. She now owns several countries, and cannot be considered the ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom so much as the ruler of the Mushroom Empire.

You may be wondering where the other Mario characters fit into this. I’ve already discussed Daisy, but what about the ones people care about? Mario and Luigi, I think, actually take all this at face value. They really are about saving the Princess from Bowser or whatever else is attacking, and either ignore or are unaware of what happens afterward. They are legitimately heroes. Just apathetic or stupid ones.

Bowser’s a bit more complicated, as there are two possible roles for him. One, he’s in on it, and is Peach’s silent partner in expanding her territory; he attacks other countries, Mario stops him, Peach cleans up afterward. This would explain why Bowser participates in their sporting events, and why he opens up his castle for kart races like the conquered territories do. The other, more tragic possibility, is that Bowser is legitimately trying to resist the Mushroom Kingdom, and may in fact be the only one who is (Wario really only cares about maintaining his gaming company and treasure hunting, and not about international politics). Each time he kidnaps Peach or invades a country, he’s trying to stop the Mushroom Kingdom from expanding. But he’s ultimately doomed to failure. He lets Mario (and by extension, Peach) win because, as the RPG’s have taught us, he’s in love with the princess. This also explains why he opens up his castle for racing and sports tournaments, but it’s much, much sadder.

On a final note, bringing us back to Mario Kart Wii, what’s the deal with Koopa Cape?

Don’t get me wrong. It’s my favorite track in the game, but why is there an ominous aquatic tunnel with laser beams halfway through the course? Are the koopas trying to build Rapture from Bioshock? If so, why hasn’t that been in a real game yet? I think it’d be interesting.

Get on it, Nintendo.

Chapter 17: Bobbes's Big Day Commentary

Not to pat myself on the back too much, but overall, I think this chapter was a pretty big success.

I was nervous about this chapter for a lot of reasons. First of all, it was the first chapter to prominently feature Zaffod and the Grogians as villains ever since the much maligned “Cats and Grogs” storyline in the old comic (which I’ve always considered to be its low point). The next reason was that it’s also the first chapter to prominently feature Connor, who we’ve only seen briefly in the comic before now, and I was afraid her debut, so to speak, would fall flat. Most of all I was nervous because Bobbes seems to be the most popular character in the comic. I didn’t want a chapter starring him to be disappointing to the readers.

By far, the most difficult part was writing the Grogians. Zaffod himself was more or less set in stone. He’s a sarcastic alien prince that hates humans. All I have to do when writing his dialogue is channel Invader Zim and make it more vulgar. Breeble, on the other hand, was created more or less on the spot when I started writing.

In the planning stages, I was just planning to bring back Lieutenant Box and the intern from the old comic, but this was shaping up to be a really bad idea. The intern, as far as his character went, was basically just Bobbes as a Grogian, which really became apparent when I tried to write scenes with them together. I’ve also already used the evil intern shtick recently in Eve, the evil jailbait intern working with Carl, so I didn’t want to repeat myself. As for Lieutenant Box, I noticed in the old comic that he didn’t really have a personality until after Zaffod died and he was put in charge. I also hate his design; I’m not sure what I was thinking there. So, I took elements from the two, came up with a completely new look for a Grogian character, and named him Breeble, who is just as dumb as the intern from the old comic, but has a personality quirk (in this case, talking like an eighties stoner) that separates him from Bobbes.

Connor’s dialogue in this chapter was very fun for me to write. Much like Chris and Steve, she tends to straddle the line between anti-hero and straight up villain, and I think this shows pretty well in how she talks to the characters. Along with the “awesome scheme of kickassery” line, which I’m sure will make its way into merchandise someday, her threatening the Grogians (to say nothing of blowing one of them up) and her witty rapport with Steve during their fight showcased her dark, edgy side fairly well.

Part of my goal for this chapter plot-wise, along with adding to the mystery of just what Bobbes is and where he came from, was to establish Bobbes as sort of a morality pet for Connor, which I accomplished by having him talk her into saving Chris and Steve. Connor, as some of you may have guessed, isn’t exactly a good person. By the end of Volume II of Moron County, she will do some pretty rotten things. How this will affect her friendship with everyone’s favorite blue rabbit might make for some interesting stories later.