The Biff Show

You might be able to tell this is another old Buzz Comix vote thing. Either you've read it before, or you know that public access television doesn't exist anymore (in all fairness, it may not have existed when I wrote this either; I just don't like doing research for these things). Either way, enjoy The Biff Show, and I'll see you next week.

(Biff sitting in the living room, in a tuxedo. There is obvious fake applause in the background.)

BIFF: Hey, everybody! I’m Biff, and welcome to…

(The camera follows a bee flying around the room.)

BOBBES: Bumblebee! Bumblebee!

BIFF: Bobbes! Focus on me! Over here!

(The camera quickly moves back to Biff.)

BOBBES: Sorry…

BIFF: Welcome to the show. I am joined today, as always, by my lovely assistant Nina.

(Nina walks in.)

NINA: Biff, what’s with the camera? Oh, god… please don’t tell me you’re doing this again…

BIFF: On today’s episode…

NINA: Oh god damn it…

BIFF: I’m going to show you how to perform a vital civil service: namely, how best to warn friends, family, and even complete strangers that a child in your neighborhood or school… is ugly.

(Cut to a montage of various normal looking children that Biff, for some reason or another, considers ugly.)

BIFF: Yes… ugly children are a plague on our nation’s moral health. By allowing these poor heathens to exist without ridicule, we are endangering the very fabric of society by making these children think that being ugly is okay.

NINA: There is something wrong with you…

BIFF: Exactly, Nina. So, when you see an ugly child, don’t keep it to yourself! Let the world around you know, loudly and with as much coarse laughter as you deem necessary, “Hey, everyone! I am looking at an ugly child!”

(Montage fades back to Biff and Nina. Nina looks disgusted, but Biff is oblivious.)

BIFF: But sometimes, you encounter a child so ugly, you need to take drastic measures to warn the entire world.

(Biff holds up a picture of a perfectly normal little girl.)

BIFF: Take Clara Marshal, who attends preschool with my little brother Booker…

NINA: Biff, stop this. Now.

BIFF: Clara is incredibly ugly.

NINA: She’s not ugly! She’s adorable! What’s wrong with you?!

BIFF: She’s so ugly, in fact, that drastic action must be taken. That is why yesterday I purchased ad space on a billboard out on the interstate, so that her ugliness will immediately be made apparent to passing motorists.

(Cut to a billboard with Clara’s picture on it, including the caption “This is an ugly little girl.” After a few seconds, cut back to Biff and Nina.)

NINA: Biff… that girl’s parents yelled at you for a very long time…

BIFF: That’s all the time we have for now. After the commercial break, stay tuned for the panel discussion between myself, Clyde Alperson, Fred Mudhart, and Francis the Robot on why fat women should be treated as second class citizens, followed by a celebrity interview with a hobo that thinks I’m Tracy McGrady. It’s all here on the Biff Show, part of Moron County public access!

NINA: I swear I’m going to burn that camera…