The Finch-Lechter Debates

So, I had a blog posting on censorship planned for this week (a question from a reader got me thinking about the subject), but it's a bit more difficult than I thought to get my thoughts together on it. I did promise to update this blog once a week, though, so I want to provide you all with something.

A while back, when I still did vote incentives, I'd occasionally post short stories and scripts. One of my favorites was a short script where Biff and Nina argued about who would win in a fight between Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mocking Bird and Hannibal Lechter.

Since it's currently not available anywhere else online right now, and a fair number of you probably haven't seen it, here it is in all its glory.

NINA: I’m sorry, Biff, but there’s no contest. It wouldn’t happen.

BIFF: But he’s a lot smarter than his southern accent would lead you to believe. Plus he’s an expert marksman! What if he had a gun?

NINA: Biff, seriously. There’s no way Atticus Finch could beat Hannibal Lechter in a fight. It’s just not possible.

BIFF: Sure he could! He’s one of the greatest literary heroes of all time!

NINA: Yes, because of his morality. Morality would be a weakness against someone like Hannibal. Atticus would be so horribly shocked by Hannibal’s deeds and mannerisms that it would give Hannibal an advantage.

BIFF: I think you’re underestimating Atticus’s resolve. He stared down an entire angry mob, after all.

NINA: Biff, maintaining your moral high ground in the face of a bunch of racist idiots isn’t nearly on the same level as staying toe-to-toe in a fight with a cannibalistic serial killer. Besides, even if Atticus could handle Lechter on an emotional level, he’d still stick to some code of honor when fighting him. He probably wouldn’t even USE his gun. Hannibal would still win.

BIFF: Hannibal has a code of honor too. He left Clarice Starling alone after he escaped from the mental facility.

NINA: Not in the sequel.

BIFF: The sequel sucked!

NINA: That’s not the point. The point is, even if Hannibal has a moral code, which he doesn’t, it is significantly more flexible than Atticus’s. He would have no reason or inclination to engage Atticus on anything even remotely resembling a level playing field.

BIFF: Well, what if there was something at stake more important that Atticus’s honor? What if Hannibal were holding his kids hostage? He’d use his gun then for sure.

NINA: Well yeah, then it could go either way. But that’s not really fair. You’re just making up conditions now to give your side an unfair advantage.

BIFF: It’s a legitimate concern! Hannibal would definitely go after Atticus’s kids first. He’s all sinister and crazy like that.

NINA: Probably, but that’s not the issue here. Look, Biff, I want the good guy to win just as much as you do, okay? But in a straight fight, Hannibal Lechter would completely destroy Atticus Finch without even breaking a sweat.

BIFF: Oh yeah? Well, since we’re considering information from sequels to be fair game here, what about Atticus from “To Kill a Mocking Bird II: Boo Radley’s Revenge?”

NINA: …What?!

BIFF: You know, when Atticus turned into a fifty foot radioactive mutant that shot lasers out his eyes.

NINA: That movie never existed.

BIFF: You sure?

NINA: Yes. I’m sure. I’m sure because no just and loving god would ever allow that movie to come into being.

BIFF: So… Scout never grew up into a hot lesbian that dressed like Tank Girl? I just dreamed that entire film?!

NINA: Okay, this discussion is over.

BIFF: Well, what if he was also working with the kid from Clockwork Orange…

NINA: OVER!